Management guff

guff , daft
reprise, squabble, obfuscate

Management guff lands in China
作者：英國《金融時報》專欄作家露西•凱拉韋

Last week I received a press release that began: “Starcom MediaVest Group of Greater China, in its mission to transform into a Human Experience Company, today unveils...”


上週我收到一份新聞稿，開頭寫道：“為完成向人性化體驗型公司(Human Experience Company)轉變的使命，星傳媒體(Starcom MediaVest Group)大中華區現為您呈現……”

There were two words in this that made me sit up, and they weren't “Human Experience”, daft as those clearly were. Instead, the words were “Greater China”. Management bullshit, it seems, has finally arrived in the People's Republic.


裡面有一個詞引起了我的關注——不是那個明顯冒著傻氣的“人性化體驗型公司”，而是“大中華區”。看來，管理層的廢話終於來到了中華人民共和國。

The release went on meaninglessly, moronically: “Our dream is to grow our clients' business by transforming human behaviour through uplifting, meaningful human experiences.”


新聞稿後面的內容依然毫無意義又傻得要命：“我們夢想通過積極向上、有意義的人性化體驗，改變人的行為，從而幫助我們的客戶實現業務增長。”

Admittedly, this bullshit isn't of the homemade Chinese variety but an import from the west: the company in question is owned by Publicis. Still, the presentation being “unveiled” contained marketing waffle with diagrams shaped like flowers whose petals were labelled Community, Currency, Content and Conversation.


誠然，這種套話不是中國自產的國貨，而是西方舶來品：新聞稿中的公司就隸屬陽獅集團(Publicis)。雖然如此，新聞稿中“呈現”的都是些市場營銷空話，配以花朵形狀的圖表，花瓣上分別標著4個以C字母開頭的詞：社區(Community)、流行(Currency)、內容( Content)和對話(Conversation)。

The very day I was emailed this nonsense, the lead story on FT.com was that Chinese growth had slowed. Though the two stories were unrelated, I found myself putting them together and wondering if the day that China gets properly ensnared in western woolly thinking will be the day it finally loses its competitive edge.


就在我收到這份廢話連篇的新聞稿的同一天，FT.com上的頭條新聞是：中國經濟增長減速。儘管兩條新聞並無關聯，我卻不由自主地把它們聯繫到一起，並開始思考一個問題：中國完全被西式混亂思維俘虜的那一天，是否就是它最終失去其競爭優勢的那一天。

There are already signs that Chinese companies are copying this sort of imported drivel; it would be extraordinary if they weren't, given that the US guff germ has spread everywhere else.


已經有不少苗頭顯示，中國的企業正在照搬這種“舶來”的廢話。鑑於這種美式套話已經像病菌一樣傳遍了所有其他地方，中國若是能不受影響，那倒是個新聞。

You could say that it doesn't matter. Indeed, one of the most enduring mysteries in business is that there appears to be no link between talking nonsense and performing poorly.


你可以說這沒關係。的確，生意場上最經久不衰的謎團之一，就是滿口胡話跟糟糕的業績之間似乎並無聯繫。

No day at work ever passes without me being sent something from a perfectly successful company that has adopted management talk with no obvious ill effects. The other day I was forwarded something from a consultant at Deloitte in South Afr​​ica who wrote: “My primary role. ..is to share thought-ware and initiate and manage online business-related conversations...”


在工作​​中，我每天都會收到那些非常成功的企業發來的套話。這種管理層套話似乎並沒有為這些企業帶來任何明顯的不良影響。前些天，我收到別人轉發過來、德勤(Deloitte)一名駐南非諮詢顧問的來信，信中說：“我的主要職責……是分享各種'思想製品'，發起並管理與業務相關的在線談話……”

I don't know exactly what thought-ware is but it sounds a bit like Tupperware, only with fewer practical uses. Yet Deloitte continues to employ people in roles so dubious that they themselves can't even explain what they do, yet the firm still makes a lot of money.


我不知道“思想製品”具體指的是什麼，但它聽上去有點兒像特百惠(Tupperware)塑料製品，只不過實際功用更少。德勤還在繼續招人，做著他們自己都解釋不清楚具體是什麼的工作，而這家公司依然在賺大錢。

Equally, in the UK, Standard Life, which has recently showed signs of getting itself in order, is spouting more guff than ever. In a recent presentation to analysts it showed a slide describing an “employee journey” saying: “Our retail pre and post retirement solutions leverage ongoing customer engagement.” Who wrote that, I wonder?


最近，種種跡象顯示英國標准人壽(Standard Life)開始重整旗鼓。同樣，它的廢話也變得比以往任何時候都多。在最近一次面向分析師的報告中，標准人壽展示了一張描述“僱員旅程”的幻燈片，上面說：“我們的零售型退休前和退休後解決方案利用持續的客戶參與。”這是誰寫的？我很好奇。

The next slide read: “Three main drivers are presenting us with a unique 'watershed' opportunity”. The only good thing about this was the spurious inverted commas around watershed, suggesting the author was experiencing some discomfort at the scale of the linguistic crimes being committed.


下一張幻燈片上說：“三大動力為我們帶來了一個不尋常的'分水嶺式'的機遇。”這句話中唯一的妙筆就是打在分水嶺式兩邊、表示這個詞用得不當的那個引號，說明這種赤裸裸的言語犯罪令作者自己都有些不安。

And yet this isn't the full picture. The reason companies like these get away with it is to do with scale. In a large, established business, bad words and even bad thinking don't do financial damage. The same isn't true for smaller businesses.


但這樣說並不全面。這些誇誇其談的企業能夠毫髮無損，這與它們的規模有關。在行業地位穩固的大型企業裡，說錯話，甚至思維方式糟糕，並不會造成經濟損失。而對於較小型的企業，情況就不是這樣了。

Last week I found evidence for a link between hot air and poor performance – at least in young vulnerable businesses.


上週，我發現，誇誇其談與業績不好之間的確存在某種聯繫——至少在創立不久、根基不穩的企業裡的確如此。

A company called Diaspora*, which has had the rather good idea of​​ launching a site like Facebook but without the need to post all of your secrets centrally, put out a message to its entire address book. “Dear X – We love you. Yes . Really, we do,” it began. “We believe in you. You're one of the innovators, the creative ones, the people who make the world awesome.”


一家名叫Diaspora*的公司有一個非常好的點子。它想建立一個像Facebook那樣的網站，但在這個網站上用戶不必把所有秘密都集中公開。這家公司向所有聯繫人發送了一條消息，一開頭就說：“親愛的某某某：我們愛你。是的，我們真的愛你。”消息接著寫道：“我們相信你。你是一位創新者，正是像你這樣有創意的人，讓世界變得很棒。”

More paragraphs of buttering up followed, after which it proceeded to beg for money – as little as $25 would make a difference. “Every time someone contributes, it feels like a huge, warm hug.”


後面還有大段大段的溢美之詞，最後亮明本意，請求收信者捐一點錢——區區25美元就能改變現狀。 “每一筆捐助，都像一個大力的、溫暖的擁抱。”

Alas the recipients didn't feel like they had been hugged. Instead of coughing up they are posting sarky comments on Twitter.


可惜的是，收信人不覺得自己像被擁抱了。他們非但不肯掏錢，還在Twitter上發帖，對此大加諷刺。

The Diaspora* email caused offence not because US audiences are cynical but because they are naive. They take words at face value, and so when the words are wildly, sick-makingly disingenuous, they finally notice and get upset.


Diaspora*的郵件招來了眾人的反感，不是因為美國人不容易討好，而是因為美國人幼稚。美國人按照字面意思照單全收，因此虛偽到令人作嘔地步的文字，會讓他們覺得刺眼和不舒服。

The Chinese, surely, are different. They have all been weaned on political lies and obfuscation. Searching for a tiny sliver of truth or meaning in flannel is the nation's comparative advantage. When management guff arrives big time in China, my prediction is that they will be better at dealing with it than westerners – just as they are better at so much else.


當然，中國人就不一樣了。他們從小耳濡墨染各種政治謊言，接受愚民教育。在一堆廢話中尋找一點點真相或意義，是該民族的長項。那個偉大的時刻到來——即管理層套話終於降臨中國的時候，料想中國人應對起來應該比西方人自如一些，正如他們在許多其他事情上的表現也勝過西方人一樣。