Family Inc.
BRUCE FEILERAt 7 p.m. on a Sunday in Hidden Springs,
Idaho, the six members of the Starr family were sitting down to the
highlight of their week: the family meeting. The Starrs are a typical
American family, with their share of everyday family issues. David is a
software engineer; his wife, Eleanor, takes care of their four children,
ages 10 to 15. One of the children has Asperger syndrome, another ADHD;
one tutors math on the near side of town; one practices lacrosse on the
far side. 'We were living in complete chaos,' Eleanor said.
Like
many parents, the Starrs were trapped between the smooth-running
household they aspired to have and the exhausting, earsplitting one they
actually lived in. 'I was trying the whole 'love them and everything
will work out' philosophy,' she said, 'but it wasn't working. 'For the
love of God,' I finally said, 'I can't take this any more.' '
What
the Starrs did next was surprising. Instead of consulting relatives or
friends, they looked to David's workplace. They turned to a cutting-edge
program called agile development that has rapidly spread from
manufacturers in Japan to startups in Silicon Valley. It's a system of
group dynamics in which workers are organized into small teams, hold
daily progress sessions and weekly reviews.
As David explained,
'Having weekly family meetings increased communication, improved
productivity, lowered stress and made everyone much happier to be part
of the family team.'
When my wife and I adopted the agile
blueprint in our own home, weekly family meetings with our
then-5-year-old twin daughters quickly became the centerpiece around
which we organized our family. The meetings transformed our
relationships with our kids岸and each other. And they took up less than
20 minutes a week.
The past few years have seen a rapid erosion
of the wall that once divided work and family. New technologies allow
busy employees to check in with one another during 'family time' and
allow busy parents to interact with their kids during 'work time.' But
as close as the two worlds have grown, they've rarely exchanged ideas.
Parents hoping to improve their families have been stuck with stale
techniques from shrinks, self-help gurus and other 'family experts.'
Meanwhile, in workplaces across America, breakthrough ideas have emerged
to make teams run more smoothly.
A new generation of parents is
now taking solutions from the workplace and transferring them home. From
accountability checklists to family branding sessions, from
time-shifting meals to more efficient conflict resolution, families are
finally reaping the benefits of decades of groundbreaking research into
group dynamics. The result is a bold new blueprint for happy families.
Surveys
show that both parents and children list stress as their No. 1 concern.
A chief source of that stress is change. Just as kids stop teething,
they start throwing tantrums; just as they stop needing us to give them a
bath, they need our help dealing with online hazing. No wonder
psychologist Salvador Minuchin said that the most important
characteristic of families is being 'rapidly adaptable.' So has anyone
figured out how?
In 1983, Jeff Sutherland was a technologist in
New England when he began noticing how dysfunctional software
development was. Companies followed the 'waterfall model,' in which
executives issued ambitious orders that their harried programmers
struggled to meet. Most projects failed. Mr. Sutherland set out to
design a more agile system, in which ideas would not just flow down from
the top but also percolate up from the bottom. Today, agile development
is used in 100 countries and is transforming management suites.
Inevitably,
fans of agile started applying the techniques to their families. 'I
began to see a lot of people using agile at home, especially with their
children,' Mr. Sutherland told me. Blogs popped up; manuals were
published.
A central plank is accountability. Teams use
'information radiators'岸large, public boards on which people mark their
progress. The Starrs, for instance, created a morning checklist of
chores, which each child is responsible for ticking off. On the morning I
visited, Eleanor drank coffee and inquired about the day, while the
kids fixed lunch, loaded the dishwasher and fed the dog. When I
protested that my own girls would never be so compliant, she said,
'That's what I thought. I told David, 'Leave your work out of my
kitchen.' But I was wrong.'
The week that my wife and I
introduced our own morning checklist, we cut parental screaming in half.
But the real breakthrough was the family meeting. Following the lead of
the Starrs and others, we ask three questions, all adapted from agile:
1) What went well in our family this week? 2) What didn't go well? 3)
What will we agree to work on this week? Everyone offers answers, then
we vote on two problem areas to focus on.
Three years later, what have we learned?
First,
empower the children. The key to the meetings is to let the kids pick
their own rewards and punishments. Ours girls turn out to be little
Stalins, so we often have to dial them back. Significant brain research
reinforces this strategy. Children who plan their own time, set weekly
goals and evaluate their own work become more internally driven and have
greater self-control.
Second, parents aren't invincible. Our
instinct as parents is to build ourselves up, but abundant research
shows that this type of top-down leadership is not the best model.
Effective teams aren't dominated by a single leader; all members
contribute. We even let the kids criticize us.
Finally, build in
flexibility. Parents often create a few overarching rules and stick to
them. This assumes we can anticipate every problem. We can't. The agile
family philosophy embraces the ever-changing nature of families today
and builds in a system to adapt to each new phase.
But if agile
is good at making families more adaptable, what about the flip side:
teaching children core values? Here again, a simple idea from the
business world offers parents a clear path.
David Kidder is a
serial entrepreneur, an author and the father of three boys. 'If I've
learned anything by starting four companies,' he told me, 'it's that
young companies typically fail because you have a charismatic leader
with a bunch of beliefs, but those beliefs don't translate to the rest
of their company.'
Mr. Kidder created a company playbook, with
everything from the purpose of the organization to how to run meetings.
'Why not create a similar playbook for my family?' he wondered. The
Kidder belief board has a one-sentence manifesto. 'The purpose of our
lives is to contribute our unique, God-given gifts to have an
extraordinarily positive impact on the lives of others and the world.'
It then lists a dozen core values, from faith to knowledge.
Jim
Collins, the author of 'Good to Great,' says that great organizations
'preserve the core and stimulate progress.' The same applies to
families, he told me. While you need to keep introducing new ideas, you
also need to identify the bedrock principles you believe in. One way to
do that, he said, is to do what other organizations do: create a mission
statement.
Mr. Collins coached my family through creating a
mission statement of our own. In effect, we used contemporary branding
techniques to identify what is most important to us. We started with the
familial equivalent of a corporate retreat, a pajama party with our
daughters, during which we voted on a list of values. Next we answered
questions about what we liked most about our family. Finally we settled
on a list of 10 core affirmations. ('We are travelers not tourists,' 'We
don't like dilemmas; we like solutions.')
What are the benefits
of such a statement? A central finding of recent research is that
parents should spend less time worrying about what they do wrong and
more time focusing on what they do right. The family mission statement
is a clear way to articulate what your family does right. It also
creates a touchstone. When one of our daughters got into a spat with a
classmate, we asked her which of our core values seemed to apply. 'We
bring people together?' she said. Suddenly we had a way into the
conversation.
I grew up in a family business. Every Saturday
morning, I drove with my grandfather to a one-story office building
where I learned to type, file and take payments. But while those skills
have proven valuable to me, I realized that I wasn't passing them on to
my kids.
Studies show that parents do a lame job of talking to
their kids about money, but that doesn't mean we're not imparting our
values. If kids see their parents worrying about money or being
materialistic, they develop similar feelings. If they see their parents
being responsible, children learn those habits as well.
A new
crop of entrepreneurial parents is trying to revolutionize how families
handle money. Websites like Tykoon and FamZoo aim to bring 21st-century
tools to the 19th-century invention of allowance. They offer pots for
saving, spending and giving away, along with artificially high interest
rates.
Bill Dwight, a former Oracle ORCL -0.34% executive and the
founder of FamZoo, said that the goal is to promote conversations.
'Financial literacy is not, 'Do you know how a stock works?' ' he told
me. 'It's about understanding the concept of constraints. I've advised
startups over the years, and one reason they're so innovative is they're
constrained.'
Family financial adviser Byron Trott agrees. He is
the managing partner of BDT Capital Partners, which counsels many
wealthy families. Warren Buffett called him 'the only banker I trust.'
Mr. Trott told me that the country's top business minds often fail at
the simplest tasks with their children. His advice:
1) Show them
the money. Families depend too much on osmosis, he said. 'I told one of
the richest women in America recently that she had to talk openly with
her children. She didn't want to burden them with the truth, but
burdening them with ignorance is really much worse.'
2) Take off
the training wheels. Mr. Trott chided me for not allowing my children to
make mistakes with their money. 'But what if they drive into the
ditch?' I said. 'It's better to bike into the ditch with a $6
allowance,' he said, 'than a $60,000 salary or a $6 million
inheritance.'
3) Put them to work. Though there is a lot of
vagueness about kids and money, the research is clear that part-time
jobs are great for kids. 'The most successful adults I know were all
involved in business at a young age,' Mr. Trott said. 'Warren thinks I'm
successful because I had a lawn-mowing business, a clothing store. If
you really want your daughters to understand money, have them open a
lemonade stand.'
All families have conflict. The ones who handle
it smarter are more likely to succeed. Conflict resolution didn't exist
as a field when Dr. Spock reigned, but a generation of scholars has
introduced new techniques to resolve showdowns, from nuclear-arms pacts
to general strikes. These techniques also turn out to help when deciding
who gets to wear the fuzzy socks this week.
William Ury,
co-founder of Harvard's Program on Negotiation and co-author of 'Getting
to Yes,' told me that since families are no longer top-down, new rules
have to be brokered all the time. 'Ours is the first generation where
continuous negotiation is the norm,' he said.
Josh Weiss, a
prot谷g谷 of Mr. Ury, uses a simplified version of the Harvard blueprint
for resolving conflict with his three daughters. When fights erupt, he
coaches his daughters to step away, calm down and then return with
alternative solutions.
'I believe these strategies may be better
suited for a family than a workplace,' Mr. Weiss told me. While in the
workplace, 'you can avoid conflict,' he said, 'at home, you can't.
You'll end up getting divorced or becoming estranged from your kids.'
Other
problem-solving techniques honed in companies can also help families,
especially extended families. We adopted a few in our family to address
questions like whether my mom should buy long-term health insurance and
where to hold our family reunion. Some counterintuitive tips:
First,
have as many people in the discussion as possible. The conventional
wisdom is wrong: Too few cooks spoil the broth. Abundant research has
shown that groups, especially if they include nonexperts, are better at
making decisions than individuals.
Second, vote first, talk
later. As the psychologist Daniel Kahneman points out in 'Thinking Fast
and Slow,' you'll reach a smarter conclusion if everyone expresses their
views at the outset, before anyone has spoken. Otherwise, those who
speak first will have too much influence.
Finally, have two women
present. An executive at Google GOOG +0.28% tipped me off to a 2010
study from researchers at Carnegie Mellon and MIT that showed that
groups with a higher proportion of females make more effective decision.
Studies of corporate boards and federal judges concur. Groups with more
women are more sensitive to others and reach compromise more quickly.
A
key finding of positive psychology is that happiness depends in large
measure on relationships. Our families are our primary relationships,
yet we spend almost no time trying to improve them. As Eleanor Starr
told me in Idaho, 'You have your job, you work on that. Your have your
garden, your hobbies, you work on those. Your family requires just as
much work, if not more.'
Today, we have more knowledge than ever
before to help make that work easier, much of it from America's leading
organizations. The task for parents is to find time to implement it. As
Harvard psychologist Tal Ben-Shahar wrote in his book 'Happier': 'There
is one easy step to unhappiness岸doing nothing.' The opposite also holds:
The easiest path to happiness is to do something. In the end, this may
be the most enduring lesson of all. What's the secret to a happy family?
Try.
This
essay is adapted from Mr. Feiler's book, 'The Secrets of Happy
Families: Improve Your Mornings, Rethink Family Dinner, Fight Smarter,
Go Out and Play, and Much More,' which will be published on Feb. 19. His
previous books include 'The Council of Dads' and 'Walking the Bible.'
幸福家庭的管理秘訣
Erin Patrice O'Brien for The Wall Street Journa
基德爾家裡的信念白板上寫了這麼一句話：“我們的生活意義在於貢獻自己獨特的、上帝賜予的天分，為他人的生活和整個世界帶來不同尋常的積極影響。”隨後白板上列出十幾個核心價值觀，從信念信仰到知識追求不等。
BRUCE FEILER
美
國
愛達荷州隱泉鎮(Hidden
Springs)，周日晚上七點，斯塔爾(Starr)一家的六名成員坐下來，享受本周最精華的時刻：家庭會議。斯塔爾一家是一個典型的美國家庭，當然也
會有美國家庭經常需要面對的各種日常瑣事。戴維(David)是一名軟件工程師，妻子埃莉諾(Eleano)負責照顧四個孩子，年齡從10歲到15歲不
等，其中一個患有埃斯博格綜合症（Asperger，一種類似於典型孤獨症的交互性社交活動性質異常），另一個患有多動症(ADHD)，第三個在附近給人
輔導數學，第四個在鎮子很遠的一頭練習長曲棍球。埃莉諾說：“我們家整天都是亂糟糟的。”
和許多父母一樣，斯塔爾夫婦向往平靜安穩的家居時光，卻陷在了喧鬧嘈雜、令人疲憊不堪的現實生活中不可自拔。埃莉諾說：“我嘗試過‘用愛解決一切’的教育理念，但沒什麼用。最後我只能大呼‘上帝開恩！我再也受不了啦！’”
斯
塔爾一家接下來做的事情令人驚奇。他們沒有向鄰居或朋友討教經驗，而是把目光投向戴維工作的地方。戴維的公司正在實施一個名為“敏捷開發”(agile
development)的前沿項目，借助“群體動力學”(group
dynamics)的運作體系，員工組成一個個小組，每天討論工作進度，每周進行回顧，從而形成一種自生動力。這種做法已在日本制造企業和硅谷新興企業中
快速傳播開來，而斯塔爾一家打算將其搬到家中。
戴維說：“每周開一次家庭會議能夠增強溝通，提高效率，降低壓力，讓每個人都更樂於成為家庭中的一員。”
當年我和妻子決定在家引入“敏捷開發”的理念後，每周與當時五歲的雙胞胎女兒們開家庭會議很快就成為全家圍之運轉的中心所在。家庭會議每次不超過20分鐘，卻改變了我們與孩子之間的關系，也改變了我和妻子之間的關系。
近
幾年來，矗立在工作和家庭之間的壁壘正在快速瓦解。新技術讓忙碌的員工們可以在工作之余相互溝通，也能讓忙碌的父母們在上班時有機會和孩子互動交流。然
而，盡管工作和家庭這兩大陣營正在不斷接近，它們彼此之間卻很少取長補短。希望改善家庭關系的父母們只能選擇一些來自心理醫生、自助組織和“家庭專家”的
陳舊建議；但與此同時，美國各地的工作場所都湧現出不少能讓團隊協作更加順暢的突破性理念。
新一代的父母正在把工作場所的一些解決方案帶到自己家中實踐，從工作職責清單到家庭使命研討，從靈活開飯時間到更有效的爭議處置，千家萬戶終於可以從數十年來“群體動力學”的重大研究成果中汲取營養，揭開打造幸福家庭全新而大膽的一頁新篇章。
調
查顯示，父母和孩子都把家庭壓力列為最大的困撓。這種壓力的主要來源是變化。孩子剛過換牙期，就開始變得喜歡亂發脾氣；父母剛剛不需要給他們洗澡，就需要
幫他們處理網絡欺凌。難怪心理學家薩爾瓦多•米紐慶(Salvador
Minuchin)說過，家庭最重要的一個特點就是“快速適應能力”。那麼，我們該如何去適應呢？
1983年，傑夫•薩瑟蘭德(Jeff
Sutherland)還是新英格蘭地區的一名技術人員，他開始注意到軟件開發是一個功能紊亂的過程。軟件企業遵循“瀑布模型”(waterfall
model)的項目開發架構，由主管下達頗具挑戰性的任務目標，程序員則疲於奔命地應付這些需求，大多數軟件開發項目都以失敗告終。由此，薩瑟蘭德開始設
計一套更為敏捷的軟件項目開發體系，創意和目標不僅來源於自上而下的傳達，也來源於自下而上的滲透。如今，“敏捷開發”已在100個國家廣泛使用，並正在
改變整個的管理工具體系。
“敏捷開發”的粉絲必然會開始把這種方法應用到自己的家庭生活當中。薩瑟蘭德告訴我：“我逐漸看到不少人在家使用敏捷方法，尤其是在與子女的相處上。”相關的博客文章大量出現，敏捷方法的家庭應用指南也陸續出版。
敏
捷方法的核心要素是責任制。團隊使用“信息輻射器”(information
radiator)來指導工作，那是一塊很大的書寫板，公開記錄每個人的工作進度。受此啟發，斯塔爾一家創建了一份清晨工作一覽表，每個孩子都有責任完成
自己份內的工作，然後在表上打勾。一天早上我造訪他們家，埃莉諾一邊喝咖啡，一邊討論今天的日程安排；與此同時，孩子們在準備午餐，把餐盤放進洗碗機，喂
狗吃東西。當我抱怨自己的女兒們從不這麼聽話時，埃莉諾回答：“我以前也這麼想，我對戴維說‘別把工作帶到廚房裡來。’但是，我錯了。”
在
我和妻子創建了自己家的清晨工作一覽表的那個星期，我們對孩子的吼叫次數減少了一半。不過，真正的突破是家庭會議。借鑒敏捷方法，我們模仿斯塔爾和其他家
庭的做法，在家庭會議上討論三個問題：一、這個星期我們家發生了什麼好事情？二、發生了什麼不好的事情？三、將採取什麼改進措施？每個家庭成員都提出自己
的意見，然後投票確定兩個需要著力解決的問題領域。
三年後，我們學到了什麼？
一個幸福之家的家庭結構
首先，賦予孩子權力。家庭會議的關鍵是讓孩子們自己選擇獎勵和懲罰。在這點上，我的女兒們專制得有點像小斯大林，以至於我們經常得給規矩鬆鬆綁。對人體腦部的重大研究成果也支持了這一策略：自己計劃時間、確定每周目標和評估自己成績的孩子們更具內在驅動力和自我控制能力。
其次，父母不是絕對的權威。為人父母的本能是塑造自己的高大形象，但大量研究顯示，這種俯視的領導風格並不是最好的辦法。一個有效的團隊靠的不是單個領導者的指手劃腳，而是每個成員的貢獻。因此，我們甚至要求孩子給我們提批評意見。
最後一點，保持靈活性。父母經常會制定一些總體原則，並加以堅持。這樣做就等於假設我們可以預期到任何問題的發生。但其實我們是做不到的。一個靈活的家庭經營理念應當充分適應現代家庭“持續變化”的特性，建立一套體系來適應每一個新的發展階段。
不過，如果敏捷方法能讓家庭變得更有適應力，那與此相對的另一方面怎麼辦：如何教育孩子正確的核心價值觀？同樣，商業世界的一個簡單做法可以給父母們指出一條清晰的路徑。
戴
維•基德爾(David
Kidder)是一位連續創業家和作家，也是三個男孩的父親。基德爾對我說：“如果說我從創辦四家公司中學到了一點東西的話，那就是年輕企業的夭折，往往
是因為企業領導者很有個人魅力，有不少理想和信念，但這些東西很難轉化為整個企業的理念和信念。”
基德爾撰寫了一本企業經營指南，從宏觀
的組織目標一直到如何開會的細節都有闡述。在此過程中，他問自己：“為什麼不給我的家庭寫一本類似的指南？”基德爾家裡的信念白板上寫了這麼一句話：“我
們的生活意義在於貢獻自己獨特的、上帝賜予的天分，為他人的生活和整個世界帶來不同尋常的積極影響。”隨後白板上列出十幾個核心價值觀，從信念信仰到知識
追求不等。
《從優秀到卓越》(Good to Great)一書的作者吉姆•柯林斯(Jim
Collins)曾經說過，一個偉大的組織能夠“保持核心理念並刺激進步。”柯林斯告訴我，這個原則也適用於家庭。一方面，你需要不斷引入新的想法；另一
方面，你要確定家庭信奉的基本準則。他說，做到這一點的一個方法就是向其他組織的做法學習：發布一個家庭使命宣言。
柯林斯手把手地指導我
如何創建家庭使命宣言。事實上，我們應用了現代的品牌化管理技巧來確定什麼對我們來說是最重要的。首先，我們和女兒們一起舉辦了一個類似於企業聚會的睡衣
派對，對一組核心價值觀進行投票。接下來，我們共同討論自己最喜歡這個家庭的哪些東西。最後，我們確定了10個核心價值觀。（如“我們是旅行者，而不是遊
客。”“我們不喜歡左右為難；我們喜歡解決方案。”）
擁有這樣一個使命宣言有何好處？近期研究的一個重要發現是，父母應該少花時間擔心自
己做錯了什麼，而應該多花時間關注自己做對了什麼。一個家庭使命宣言能夠清晰闡述這個家庭認為什麼是對的，也是檢驗實踐的試金石。當我的一個女兒與同學發
生口角時，我們問她這件事適用於哪一個家庭核心價值觀。她說：“我們要與別人親近？”突然之間，我們就有了一個很好的談話切入點。
小時候，我就幫忙打理家族生意。每個周六的早上，祖父會開車帶我來到位於一棟單層建築的辦公室，我在那裡學習打字、歸檔和收費。雖然這些技能日後被証明是很珍貴的，但我意識到，自己並沒有把這個傳統帶給下一代。
研究表明，父母很少對子女做金錢觀方面的教育，但這並不意味著父母的價值觀沒有傳遞給下一代。如果孩子看到父母比較看重錢或者物質享受，他們也會產生類似的感覺。如果他們看到父母責任心強，也會養成這種好習慣。
有一些富於創新精神的父母正在嘗試變革家庭內部處理金錢問題的方式。Tykoon和FamZoo這類網站致力於為19世紀發明的零花錢機制提供21世紀的管理工具，提供儲蓄、消費和捐贈的一條龍服務，並有意為之地把儲蓄利率設得很高。
FamZoo
網站的創始人比爾•德維特(Bill
Dwight)曾在甲骨文公司(Oracle)擔任高管，他說這個網站旨在增強父母與子女之間的交流。“培養孩子的財務意識並不是問‘你知道股票是怎麼回
事嗎？’而是要理解財務約束的概念。我為新創企業提供多年的咨詢服務，這些企業之所以能夠創新的原因之一，就在於他們明白約束自己的邊界所在。”
家
庭理財顧問拜倫•特羅特(Byron Trott)同意這個說法。他是德同資本公司(DT Capital
Partners)的執行合伙人，該公司為許多富有家庭提供咨詢服務，沃倫•巴菲特(Warren
Buffett)稱他為“我唯一信任的銀行家”。特羅特告訴我，美國頂尖的商界領袖也經常在子女教育的簡單問題上跌跟頭。對此，他提出以下幾點建議：
1、告訴子女真相。特羅特表示，很多家庭過於依賴“潛移默化”的做法。“最近，我對美國最富有的一個女人說，她應該跟孩子們開誠布公地討論一些事情。她的本意是不想讓孩子因為真相而煩惱；然而，如果讓孩子因為無知而煩惱，則要糟糕得多。”
2、把自行車的輔助輪拆掉。特羅特責備我不給孩子們一些機會犯金錢上的錯誤。我問：“那他們真的把車騎到溝裡頭去怎麼辦？”特羅特答道：“就算騎到溝裡頭去，也只是帶著六美元的零花錢犯錯誤，總比今後帶著六萬美元的工資或600萬美元的遺產犯錯誤要好。”
3、
讓子女體驗工作。雖然在子女和金錢的問題上還有很多模棱兩可的觀點，但有一點是明確的：讓孩子打些零工很有好處。特羅特說：“我認識的最成功的成年人都是
在少年時期就開始參與商業經營。沃倫認為我是成功的，因為我小時候攢錢買割草機為別人割草賺錢，還開過一家服裝店。如果你真想提高女兒們的財商，那就讓她
們擺個賣檸檬水的小攤。”
每一個家庭都會發生爭執。善於處理爭執的家庭才更有可能成功。雖然斯波克博士(Dr.
Spock)的育兒經大行其道，但如何化解家庭沖突並非一個專門的研究領域。好在整整一代的學者已經告訴我們許多解決對峙的新技巧，從削減核武公約到緩和
大罷工等等。這些技巧在決定哪個孩子本周能穿絨毛襪子時也具有指導意義。
威廉•尤裡(William
Ury)是哈佛大學(Harvard)談判課程的共同發起人，也是《毫不退讓地贏得談判──哈佛談判法》(Getting to
Yes)一書的作者之一。尤裡告訴我，現代家庭已不再呈現等級森嚴的結構，因此需要採取新規則來處理家庭事務。尤裡說：“我們這代人將是把家庭內部持續談
判視為常態的第一代人。”
尤裡的弟子喬什•維斯(Josh Weiss)在處理與三個女兒的沖突時應用了哈佛談判法的簡單版本。當爭端爆發時，他讓三個女兒暫時走開，平靜下來，想出一個替代的解決方案再回來。
維斯告訴我：“我認為這些策略在家庭爭端的處理上能夠發揮比在職場更大的作用。”他說，在工作場所，“你可以躲避沖突，但在家裡不行。一味逃避只會導致離婚或與子女失和”。
還有一些在工作場所驗証有效的問題解決技巧也能在家庭中發揮作用，尤其是在大家庭當中。我們家採用了幾個技巧來解決一些問題，如我母親是否應該購買長期健康保險，以及在哪裡舉辦家族團圓會等等。下面我給出一些乍聽起來有悖常理實際卻很管用的小竅門：
首先，盡量讓每個家庭成員都參與決策。“人多誤事”的傳統觀念是錯誤的。許多研究表明，小組（尤其是包括非專家成員的小組）決策比個人決策更有效。
第
二，先投票，後討論。心理學家丹尼爾•卡納曼(Daniel Kahneman)在《思考，快與慢》(Thinking Fast and
Slow)一書中這樣寫道：“在有人開口說話之前，先讓每個人表達自己的態度，這樣能達成更明智的結論。否則的話，那些先開口說話的人就會對其他人產生過
多影響。”
最後，讓兩名女性參與進來。谷歌公司(Google)一位高管指點我去看卡內基梅隆大學(Carnegie
Mellon)和麻省理工學院(MIT)的學者在2010年聯合發布的一份報告。其研究結果表明，女性比例較高的小組在決策方面更有效。對公司董事會和聯
邦法官的類似研究也驗証了這一結論。女性比例較高的小組對他人更具同情心，也能在談判中更快地達成妥協。
積極心理學(positive
psychology)的一項重要發現是，幸福在很大程度上取決於和諧的關系。家庭是我們最基本的關系，但我們幾乎不投入任何時間來試圖改善家庭關系。正
如愛達荷州的埃莉諾•斯塔爾對我說的那樣：“你關心自己的工作，關心自己的花園，關心自己的愛好，但你的家庭也需要至少同樣程度的關心。”
如
今，我們擁有許多知識來讓工作變得更簡單，這些知識大多來源於美國頂尖企業的實踐，而為人父母的一項任務在於，找時間在家中嘗試這些知識。正如哈佛大學心
理學家泰勒•本-沙哈爾(Tal
Ben-Shahar)在《更快樂》(Happier)一書中所說：“通往不快樂的道路很簡單：那就是什麼也不做。”反過來也可以這麼說，通往快樂的最簡
單路徑就是“做點什麼”。最後，讓我來問大家一個問題：幸福家庭的秘訣是什麼？
答案簡單而又雋永：嘗試。
（本文改
編自布魯斯•費勒(Bruce Feiler)的《幸福家庭的秘密：不一樣的清晨、家庭晚餐、更聰明的爭執、外出玩耍及更多》(The Secrets
of Happy Families: Improve Your Mornings, Rethink Family Dinner, Fight
Smarter, Go Out and Play, and Much
More)。該書已於2013年2月19日出版。費勒之前的著作包括《父親委員會》(The Council of
Dads)和《聖地蹤跡》(Walking the Bible)等。）
圖片來源：達志影像／路透社提供
新教宗上任，打破教宗必定出身歐洲的千年慣例，也為這個古老的心靈產業，建立了接班制度。這項重大革新，能為企業接班帶來什麼啟示？
